Entry: Does it really matter....... Friday, December 12, 2003



So looks like I'm about to be out on my own with no one.  Well I shouldn't say no one, I got my sister and my brother.  Well, would you like to hear what's going on?  I might be offered my job longer, but I don't think I want it.  It's not in my heart and I don't think it's what God wants for me.  So I asked Caddy what would happen if I got offered the job, because we were planning to move closer to his job.  He said I should stay here and work because having a job is more important the being together, and that he's moving next week, and I'm going to have to find another place to live.  Sounds like a dream guy huh?  Well I'm depressed about it now.  I don't even want to be here tonight when he gets home.  I mean, I don't want to work here anymore, but he insists that I do and that I find some one else to live with.  He said I can't be without a job, and I told him I could find one closer to where we were going to move to, and he said that there aren't any.  I doubt he's been looking for me.  So that leaves me where? I'm SOL in a couple of days and that means the the week before Christmas, the week I'm supposed to be having fun on, I'll probly end up moving three hours away from Caddy just because that's the only place I have.  It sounded like he didnt' want me coming with me, everytime I made a suggestion to solve our problem, he shot it down.  I mean, we're supposed to be in love and he's treating me like shit.  I'm depressed and just want to cry.  I hate this! Fucking hate it...........so I guess I'm going to have to tell him that I'm moving to Regina since he obviously doesn't want me to come with him.  Oh did I mention that his new roommate is a female co-worker.  It's like, thanks, love you too. I trust him and everything, but it doesn't mean I'm ok with it.  Does he care? No, it's whatever he wants.  Now I have thoughts in my head that I don't want.  Like I just want to get away, I feel like shit because that's how I'm being treated.  So why should I stay with him if this is the way it's gonna be?  I dont' want thoughts of leaving him in my head because I love him soo much.  But I guess love isn't everything.  Like the song says.........."Why'd I have to go and meet somebody like you?" Being in love is supposed to be great, you're supposed to feel loved and feel happy.  Not depressed and sad and angry.  Everything is adding up too.  I feel like I want to explode.  I just want to freak out and scream around and break shit.  But my body just feels numb.  I guess this is what I get.........FUCK!!

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